Friday, March 13, 2009

MY COLLARBONE

is missing. I KNOW. And it has been for a minute or 3 years. See, one day it was there, and the next thing I know, BOOM. It's gone. I can't help but think that this might have been a smidge my fault. I know what you're thinking: "no Andrea there is no way this could be of any wrong doing on your part"...but I did, I did put distance between us. I was pushing it away and not spending quality time with it and all, and before I knew it, it disappeared. And in good runaway fashion, it took friends. Hip Bones, Knee Caps, Ankles, and Jaw Line decided to pack up and leave too. They are ALL missing. Bastards. They didn't even say goodbye. And I was all, whatever Knee Caps, who needs you anyway. But then I realized: I do. I need you Knees and Knees was all, sorry lady, it's too little too late.

But don't panic, I have a plan. I'm gonna fix it. I am fixing it. Some of you may be asking yourself how you lose track of such important and obvious things as these? And my answer is to you is, I DON'T KNOW PEOPLE. GET OFF MY BACK. I mean I do. Well....I'm not gonna go into any details here, but it might have something to do with a devilish little red-headed girl in pigtails that answers to the name "Wendy" offering delicacies such as honey mustard, chicken nuggets, and spicy chicken sandwiches.




She's such a beast.

Also my crazy schedule, constant tiredness, and lack of skills in the kitchen might have played a part. But that's beside the point. I SAID I'M FIXING IT. Moving right along...

I will put you at ease here and let you know that there have been some tips given to me of their whereabouts, and I SWEAR I even spotted them once or twice (really I did). Pretty soon here we'll be having mediated visits and I think they will be back before I know it. And they will be welcomed home like the prodigal son. Plus, I think Hip Bones might be hiding out at Dell's house cuz she's all "helpful" like that, and lets face it, girlfriend's got enough hip bones for the both of us. Not cool Dell. Not cool.

I NEED THOSE.

So. If you happen to run into any of my runaways, would you please let them know I'm looking REALLY HARD for them, I miss them, and I swear to do right by them this time around? Thanks so much.

24 comments:

Tara said...

don't worry annie I am looking hard for mine too! :)

brookeandruss said...

Ha ha!!! I am laughing so hard right now. Serioulsy, you are the best. I think all of those bones that you are missing are hiding in my butt and arms. I have asked them many many times to leave but they insist on staying. However, please make them come back to you. I have not really thought about my collar bone but I have thought that I don't have knee caps or ankles or elbows. Oh we are so hard on ourselves, but what can you do??? I loved your post!

Oh, BTW.....you looked awesome at Britt's. You must be doing something right. You are so beautiful!!!

Stephanie said...

hahahaha that was really funny. nice.

Lindsey said...

Pretty much hilarious! You should send that in to some writing something. :) If I lived there I would make you run with me. Or walk, my belly is growing. ;) Good luck in finding your bones. I know you can do it!

Heather said...

Ahahahah I CANNOT stop laughing!! That picture is hilarious! Seriously you should send this in somewhere. You do look really really good and just think, it won't take forever so just keep going! You can do it!

Katie Corbridge said...

Annie! Love the post - just too stinkin' funny! Every girl can relate too! Love the Wendys photo. I'm pretty sure she came running over to my house this last year too.

I do have to say though; Brooke and I agreed how good you looked at Britt's house the other night! Really, talk about results!

Tremayne and Dellany Higby said...

Oh my good gravy. This is why they need to make gay marriage possible, so I can marry you and keep you forever. Ew, no we do not have to be gay, just let me keep you!!!! And whatever lady, you must have made up quickly with your bones cuz you are looking sick... like in a hot way. As you were walking to your car today Tremayne and I were talking about how good you look! And I won't speak for him on this one, but I was watching that booty of yours and damn girl, work it. Thanks for the shout out, the hip bones appreciate much. But they kinda look like they belong to a twelve year old boy... so there are no real winners here. Never is. Love you!


Oh and Heather invite me back to your blog, I've been outcasted long enough!!! hehe. dellanyc@hotmail.com

Stephanie said...

Oh, thanks for referring me! You even did it when my photos weren't that awesome so you're so great for doing that! I'd love to take pictures of you and your hubs if you want. Right now I'm building my portfolio so it'd only be $50 bucks. You have to be willing to get naked, though. Kidding (obviously).

Steve, Haley and Ava said...

Ok, now that the tears of laughter have left my eyes, I have got to do a re-read on that one. Holy funny, my friend. I am a little ashamed to say that I laughed so hard I puked. I was laughing, then started coughing, then it just came up. Unfortunately I had just eaten crunchy cheetos and cherry coke..not the best combo in reverse.

Anywhoo, thanks for the puke, it actually make me feel better. When's our next therapy sesh? My roots are getting a little iffy.

TeamTyson said...

Oh my! You are hilarious. I can't stop laughing. Somebody told me a story once about a bone called a tale bone...I think that is like an urban legend like the Yeti or something cuz trust me there is no bone in my AZZ! I just wanted to tell you that I am adding you to my blog list so that I can officially stop blog stalking you.
P.S. If you still want the Hot dog diet let me know =)

KiMnRoB said...

Loved this post. Seriously Andrea, how'd you get to be so witty? Or have you always been this way?
And let me know your secret woman! My everything has runaway as well and I need them back! It's swimsuit season in a few months you know!

Tiffany and Bill said...

Oh my Andrea... you are my favorite person. I almost peed my pants laughing. You looked so fricking beautiful (like always) on Sunday... so I dont know what you are talking about!

Thanks again for coming Sunday, Madison loved meeting you ;)

Grand Pooba said...

Annie Marie Harper! Oh how did I miss this on my blog roll? Maybe it's because I'm stuck here in this god awful meeting room in Elko Nevada trying to hide the fact that I am even trying to read your blog!

And wtf, why you gotta make me bust out laughing in the middle of said meeting making drunky hangover colleague here think I'M the one who's slacking off when really, he is still drunk from last night!

You make me crazy! In a good way, sort of. And I am so sad that you are going to shut up and dance without me. You lucky boneless bastard! Hahaha! Just kidding, you've got your bones Annie, I see them, they're not hiding!

Love you to death!

Casey and Britt said...

LOL, Annie you seriously know how to make someone laugh! And thank you for your comment on my blog, it was really nice, and yes that's a new "thing" I've started. It's not an official business, I just made up the name but I've got it posted on KSL and have surprisingly had alot of calls so it has been good, and I enjoy it. Love ya tons!

Vierra crew said...

All I can say is WTF! I need more of you in my life!!! Your beautiful and I love you! Thanks for the laughter!

Beth said...

Dem bones are looking good. Funny how fast those bones can run away from us huh? In April I had them, than by July they started to hide and now they are gone. Just like that. Arrghh!! You work so hard at losing weight and it takes awile, but I swear one day of slacking and you gain 5 pounds.

Keep up the good work, you is looking good!!

Ha Ha on the side note the word verification in need to type in is shitater. That will be my new word.

Heidi said...

You're so silly. You are beautiful. To answer your question about Uptown Cheapskate, the store is just east of 3rd west on 2nd south. Love it.

Jeff and Emily said...

Hi! Just wanted to say a- you are hilarious, b- thank you so so much for your nice comments on my blog (It took me a sec to let you know, but that was amazingly awesome of you) c- why in heavens name has it been so damn long since I have seen you? We should get together sometime soon with Calli and Mike and finally d- sorry for the profanity :)

Cole and Nuria said...

You're F ing hillarious

Sariah said...

Annie, is it now? Alright then, Annie. Or is it Andrea the Hair stylist by day, and Annie the writter for the funny ad's by night? I'm on to you... You have always been such a fun person to be around, keep them funny posts come'n, and I'll keep on stalking, I mean, checking in on you.

Shandi Brown said...

Oh my funny!! I LOVE the title, it's too good! Gosh, I am trying to downsize with extra baby weight, sooo fun:)

Orr's said...

Bah ha ha that is awesome or I guess sad, I never knew you could loose your collar bone but I just looked at mine and it is being covered more and more everyday. You can get through this, tell wendy to shove it. You can eat things like one peanut or a piece of popcorn for lunch and maybe an apple core for dinner. Let me know how it goes, good luck.

Heidi said...

Okay... first of all, you need to update your blog. And second - yes, I do need to work out. I am lazy and I admit it! And third - I'd like to see you move 5,000 jars of jam, doing the same movement over and over for 3 hours and not feel at all sore! Fourth - I love you. :)

Julia said...

Ok so I just read this for the first time, and DANG so funny. It's a wonder I haven't been around you for the last 7 years or so, cause I need that kind of funny in my life. I am here to tell you, I didn't know I had those bones. I would see them on other people and think to myself, "what are those protruding growths on those women, and how do I acquire said growths?" I have welcomed them with open arms, and am looking forward to a long and wonderful relationship. (crossing fingers)